R: The other day, N was practicing jumping off a 'swinging swing', and on one of his jumps, a slight misjudgement I guess, fell flat on his face.
Thankfully the play grounds have become 'fatal hurt' proof these days, with wood chips for flooring rather than cement. Nonetheless the impact was huge and he did scrape his face in places.
Leaving intrinsic details of the wounds aside, the shock and hurt itself, made my otherwise subtle 'crier' of a child, wail out loud! Loud enough for everyone around to stop whatever they were doing and turn their heads to him.
As if the embarrassment of the unwanted attention was not enough, his pal 'swinger' who up until then was challenging N to swing higher and higher before the jump; started nudging him with THE Comment 'N, don't cry like a girl!'
In almost an instant my tear filled eyes were almost bloodshot with rage, and I almost dropped the sulking N from my arms, to turn to the boy who dared to throw around such a 'sexist' comment.
I am a forced feminist; forced because as we all know, the right to equality where women are concerned, is called feminism - again pretty sexist I think; but that's for another day.
Back to N and his pal - well, I have no comments on the pal's parents or parenting; because a child is a product of his/her environment, parents being just a part of it.
I did sit and ponder on whether I am making the right parenting decisions while raising my boy.
And over that cup of tea, I manage to console myself thinking that
if I don't stop him from entering the kitchen, rather encourage him to do the 'kitchen tasks' appropriate for his age;
if I don't stop him from pretend-playing with dolls over a play date with his friends who are girls
if I let him choose music and/or books over sports when he wants to
if I let him cry his heart out, when hurt; physically or emotionally and not ask him to 'man' or 'boy' up
I am doing my part of not letting gender stereo types get in the way.
However, I decided to put myself in the not comfortable zone of questions:
What if all he wants to do is spend time in the kitchen and has an ardent love of baking
What if he hates playing with trucks or pretend play to be a super hero, and only loves playing with dolls
What if he hates soccer or basket ball, but loves playing the piano and that is all he wants to do
Would I not nudge him towards interests boys usually have? Would I not fear his acceptability in his circle of friends and society at large if he does not conform by at least some of the standards laid out?
The answer to both the above questions is a 'Yes'.
As much as I would want him to pursue all that he loves and not pressurize him towards what he doesn't, my fears of the fights which he might have to put up with at every step would compel me to at least show him the path which would make his life easy.
Parenting, like any other role that we play, can never be black or white.
S: I think I might've been one of 'those' moms who only bought gender neutral toys for my daughter when she was a baby. As much as possible, her clothes weren't necessarily pink or purple. I think in hindsight it hardly mattered because a) she was a baby and b) by the time she was two though, she definitely wanted everything pink! And then cue the princesses and the unicorn stage.
It didn't help (or maybe it did) that the girls aisles in shopping stores handily sold just that.
I suppose that's something many girls go through. Once she grew out of it, she was ready to explore other options. Some days she wants to be a superhero. Other days she is a princess. We alternate between dance and karate classes, and both are thankfully deemed 'fine' for girls. Some days she bakes muffins, some days she enjoys kite flying.
Eventually kids are their own people - even as a two year old my daughter showed me that. So why make them feel guilty for that?
We do come from a background where girls are encouraged to take interest in cooking and boys are encouraged to play outdoors.
And even now there is a stigma attached if boys try their hand at 'feminine' pursuits such as dolls or express themselves through tears. That is balanced with certain 'perks' of masculinity such as being exempted for cooking and cleaning up after themselves which is typically relegated to the girls of the family. I am painting everything in a broad brush here, but my point is that this has been a trend and it unfolds ominously and even dangerously as they grow up with that baggage.
I think our job as parents is only to make sure kids grow up healthy emotionally and physically. The should be decent human beings. And if they can, try to 'give back' to society.
The rest should be up to them.
