Motherhood is a journey of which I still have a long way to go...Enjoyable, Challenging and Intriguing at every step.
However, as much being in the present has been deemed as the way to go for a good life, the ‘analyzer’ in me and well even the writer in me, loves to go back and forth into the past, if not to relish on the ‘oh so good’ times, sometimes just to compare notes.
And while I was analyzing my journey as a mother in the past 8 years, one big revelation and a question which came up was ‘Am I as involved a mother now as I was a couple or more years ago?’
And well with wee bit guilt I realized the answer to that question ‘No’. I am definitely not as involved, as anxious as ‘helicopter’ish’ as I was since he breathed his first breath till when he was 4 or 5 years of age.
And well, he is just 8 now…a long way to go before his teenage years when he might actually detest my involvement.
So what has changed?
Do I love him any less…let’s not even get there. I love him to the moon and back!
Possible Cause #1 - Was I over involved the first few years that it tired me out?
A possible reason. And this might be true for a lot of stay at home moms. And if all you have is just that one kid may the Universe save your sanity!
My recollection of yester years is filled with continuous days of me worrying about every bite he gulped, every step he took, rather anything that he did.
His tantrums were dissected to the minutest details – why did he behave like this? Am I doing something wrong here?
And all this amidst almost sleepless nights. Does this cause ‘Motherhood Exhaustion’? Hell yes!!
Did I stop just because I was exhausted…no I didn’t…
Possible Cause #2 – Identifying as a Mom is awesome! But is it good enough to lose oneself in it?
Did I lose the feeling of the person in me just because I was too tired too ‘involved’ elsewhere?
Years of relationships and that too of different kinds, teaches one some valuable lessons and one of them pertinent to the topic in discussion is this:
A lot of relationships which one walks in, one can walk out of. There is always a line, albeit an invisible one, which one can draw. Even if not walk out of, one can ‘distance’ to a distance which ensure our mental, physical, emotional wellbeing.
However, there is no escaping from being a parent. I think it was on one of the Dad Facebook groups, ‘Once a parent always a parent’.
Maybe I made some extreme parenting choices, and lost track of my choices or the person I saw myself as.
I have ‘followed’, not literally, but figuratively, some parents for years and I would be like Wow!! She is a ‘born Mom’ or a ‘born Dad’. Just so consistent over the years, with not one, but two three four kids!
And well I am not a ‘born Mom’. Being super involved with my kid at each stage of his life was probably not meant for me. Some might call it a late realization, but it is what it is.
Will I fail as a parent because of this, I hope not!
Possible Cause #3 – Did my child’s independence over the years help me find my own back, and then I did not want to let it go?
Yes!
Being at home with him for four years, made it sort of mandatory for me to get involved with all his activities and I decided to do it all! Mom and Kid Programs, tons of reading, tons of play dates and everything that I believed might be good for him.
However, life happened, and he started school and his need for my involvement decreased, and my need for getting back to my ‘own life’ increased.
Of course, he still gets his meals, his play dates; he still gets to do all that he wants to, but I don’t look out for spending the mom and son time as much as before.
Again, is that a Red Alert of sorts….I don’t know.
Parenting will throw a lot more life lessons and life experiences…maybe the journey is a self-discovery of sorts too.
And the few grays on my head entitle me to comment that whatever the journey till we can make it a pleasant experience for all those involved, there could be no wrongs here.
Posted By R.